


Seven’s a Lucky Number

by Cap_Soph606_iheartpudding



Category: Bohemian Rhapsody (Movie 2018) Actor RPF
Genre: Also Poor Joe, Alternate Universe - Groundhog Day (1993) Fusion, Ben makes a confession, Gwilym comes to visit, Joe is a Mischievous Man, Joe is a playful but grumpy drunk, M/M, Poor Ben, The Boys are Completely Oblivious, ben has a nightmare, temporary major character death
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-23
Updated: 2019-04-29
Packaged: 2020-01-24 10:08:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 7
Words: 12,825
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18569224
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cap_Soph606_iheartpudding/pseuds/Cap_Soph606_iheartpudding
Summary: Wherein Ben wishes to confess to Joe but is too bashful to do it. An accident happens, and Ben is left to deal with the consequences... until the next day (or night).OrWherein the same night repeats over and over again until Ben reveals his most intimate secret to Joe.





	1. Night One

**Author's Note:**

> Posted also in Tumblr under the account Capsoph606. Please tell me what you guys think!

“Enjoyed Catalina, didn’t you?” Ben asked Joe as they rode a cab back to Ben’s home. They had just returned to England, Joe subsequently deciding to lodge in with Ben until morning came for reasons he would not quite divulge to anyone, but Ben accepted him anyway with a huge grin plastered on his full lips. (Ben had insisted he could make the trip back home on his own, but Joe plainly refused for reasons unknown.)

“Yeah, sure did,” Joe replied, smiling himself. “Especially the boat ride.”

“We are not talking about the boat ride,” Ben said, casting the ginger a look of warning. Joe just laughed.

Turns out, Joe had been feeling mischievous that day, and a mischievous Joe meant bad news. It was a monotonous boat ride, and he was bored, so he decided to prank on someone none other than the person he was with that very hour: Ben. 

“Shark! Shark!” Joe had exclaimed as he pointed at nothing in the deep blue seawater. But Ben saw through his act... or at least, at first.

“Ha ha,” Ben laughed drily. “Nice try, Mazzello, but as if you could fool me into—“

“No, really, look! Don’t you see it?” Joe pressed on, and Ben started to feel a bit uncertain of himself.

“Joe, I’m telling you, it’s not working,” he said.

But when Joe pouted (cutely, in Ben’s opinion), Ben had no choice but to concede. “Alright, alright. Where is it?”

“Right... there!” Joe said, pushing Ben off the boat.

Ben swore, cursing at Joe as the older man laughed his heart away. Luckliy, someone else had noticed the incident and called the lifeguard for assistance in getting Ben back onto the vessel.

Ben was brought back, indeed, shivering, and when he glared at Joe, the latter was no longer laughing. Instead, he was apologising profusely, saying “Ben, Ben, I’m so, so sorry. Forgive me, please.”

Ben said nothing; he couldn’t, considering his chattering teeth. Joe seemed heartbroken, but he quickly recovered; smirking. “You wouldn’t want to stay mad at your boyfriend, would you?” 

Something warmed Ben that moment, and he didn’t realise he was speaking until he heard himself saying “how could I ever stay mad at you?”

“That’s it,” Joe said. “So, you forgive me?”

“Yeah, you bloody idiot. I forgive you. Now help me here.”

And help him, Joe did.

“Dunno how to feel about that, honestly,” Ben said. 

“It was hilarious,” Joe confessed, and, thinking about it, Ben had to agree. He agreed with Joe in nearly everything, he noticed, save for that time when Joe had taken pictures with Gwilym. Ben wouldn’t admit to it, but deep inside did it spark a true jealousy in his heart. He would’ve preferred Joe taking those pictures with him. “But I guess I still had to feel sorry for it.”

“It’s alright, now.”

“Shouldn’t have pushed you off the boat though.”

“Joe...”

“Sorry.”

How Ben itched to take Joe’s hands within his own! Literally, he would have done it were he sure Joe felt the same. He highly doubted it, but he hoped dearly for a miracle. Didn’t mean he’d make a move, though.

He nudged Joe instead. “Hey, it’s okay. Really.”

“Okay,” Joe said, and he snuggled into Ben’s warmth, the car’s cold air too much to bear.

Ben sat stock still, afraid of disturbing Joe. He loved it when Joe snuggled against him—a blessing from above, he believed—and he would do everything just to keep it that way. Until Joe pulled away, of course.

Which he always did, but after a long time. Ben could never figure out why.

And there they were, the two of them in a cab, tucked tight together, waiting for the trip to end. 

 

***

 

When they woke, Ben and Joe were already at the former’s house, the meter indicating the price which was quite high. Ben paid the driver and took their luggages from the trunk, Joe bringing his luggage into Ben’s house after the blond.

“Get yourself settled in, Joe,” Ben told him, the two of them too tired to head upstairs and into the bedrooms. They decided to stay on the couch, Ben stubbornly insisting he stay on the carpet so Joe may have enough space. Joe protested at first but eventually conceded.

They took a light snack of some Scottish shortbreads, and Ben made them some tea, Joe taking it gratefully.

“Never was a fan of tea, actually,” Joe said. “But thank you so much.”

“Nothing to thank me for, mate,” Ben replied.

Joe yawned. “Oh, am I tired.”

Ben laughed. “Same here.”

“Lemme just brush my teeth,” Joe said, and he went to his luggage to get his toothbrush from one of the pockets. He then went into the guests’ bathroom and brushed his teeth, Ben following suit after him.

After that, Ben spied Joe laying down on the couch with his travel clothes still on.

“Joe, you aren’t... going to change?” he asked. He was afraid Joe would feel uncomfortable in the morning, but he presumed Joe was too tired to even change anymore.

“Nah,” Joe replied. “Yeah, won’t feel the best in the morning, but I’m beat, man.”

“Of course, of course.”

A moment of silence.

“Joe?” Ben called out.

“Mm?” Joe hummed sleepily.

This is it, Ben thought. He won’t remember it in the morning, but at least I got it out.

“I...”

Joe’s left eye flew open, and he looked at Ben in anticipation, as if he knew what was coming.

All the courage left Ben in a flash.

“I—I’m sorry, Joe. It’s nothing.”

Suddenly, Joe was flinging himself off the couch, rising to his feet and storming out of the living room, saying “oh, I can’t take it. I can’t take it anymore.”

Ben was following him worriedly, trying to figure out what it was Joe couldn’t take anymore. “Can’t take what? Joe. Can’t take what?”

But Joe was already grabbing the handle of his luggage and marching out the door. Ben took ahold of his wrist. “Joe, it’s late. You can’t possibly be going this late.”

“And why not?” Joe asked. He sighed. “I’m sorry, Ben. Just let me go.”

Not wanting to rile Joe any further, he let go of Joe’s wrist and watched the ginger as he marched into the dark night, wondering what could’ve happened if he didn’t screw it up.

 

***

 

Later in the night, Ben was awakened by Frankie licking at his hand. She must’ve woken up.

Ben groaned, but he patted her anyway. “Hey, girl, what’s up?”

Frankie’s direction went to the telly, still on. He had left it earlier that night, falling asleep to thoughts of what could have been. Now, he was rubbing at his eyes and reading the headline, hands rising to his scalp in shock.

 

“ACTOR JOE MAZZELLO DEAD IN CAR ACCIDENT”

 

No. No, it couldn’t be. Joe couldn’t have possibly—

“No,” Ben said. His phone was buzzing with messages from Gwilym, Lucy, Rami, but he didn’t dare pick up his phone. He would hate to see them confirm it, but he dared believe the shocking news, anyway.

Joe was gone.


	2. Night Two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gwilym comes to check on Ben. Then comes the second night.

Joe was gone. There was no doubt about that.  
But why, Ben thought, why him? All this could’ve been avoided if I just said it.  
But you couldn’t, that’s what, said a nasty, slimy voice in his head. His phone continued to buzz with a continuous flow of messages from his friends, and although he didn’t want to check it; didn’t want to hear them repeat the news, he reluctantly checked their messages.

 

From Rami:

 

<Oh my god. Ben, did you hear the news???>

 

<What happened? Why was he in London???>

 

<Ben... are you alright?>

 

<Ben, buddy, you okay?>

 

 

From Lucy:

 

<Ben, I’m so sorry. I didn’t expect this to happen. Well, nobody did, but>

 

<I’m just really worried for you>

 

<Stay strong, okay, Ben?>

 

<Just hang in there>

 

<It doesn’t seem like it now, but everything will be alright>

 

 

And finally, from Gwilym:

 

<Ben>

 

<How are you, mate?>

 

<I know you’re not good, so I guess you won’t read this>

 

<But I’ll say it anyway>

 

<There is something Joe told me>

 

<About you>

 

<But I promised him I would never say it>

 

<Even under pain of death>

 

<I don’t know if I should’ve even told you that, actually>

 

<But I want you to know>

 

<And believe me when I say this>

 

<Joe really really REALLY cared about you>

 

<Just as how much you cared about him>

 

<And although he’s...>

 

<He’ll always keep caring for you>

 

<I may not know just how much he means to you, Ben>

 

<But I dare say it’s so damn much>

 

<So please, don’t blame yourself for this>

 

<For whatever reason your bloody imaginative mind will come up with>

 

<See you later, Ben>

 

<Really, ‘cause I’m going to check up on you even though it’s late>

 

<Rami, Lucy, Allen and Aaron have been messaging me nonstop>

 

<We’re all really worried about you>

 

<So just wait, Ben>

 

<Just wait>

 

 

Ben shakily texted replies to them saying he was fine, he will hang on and see you, then. He collapsed onto the couch which Frankie jumped onto, and she settled on his lap, as if sensing her owner’s despair. She was always so perceptive of him... it was amazing, and Ben felt lucky to have her. Especially now.

There were tears at the corners of Ben’s eyes that refused to fall, and he would not allow them to. He lifted his face and stared at the ceiling, plain, the sadness crushing his heart.

It’s all my fault. It’s all my fault, and now he’s dead.

How would he explain this to his friends now? How could he dare say he was the indirect reason why Joe died? “Hey guys, I kinda... screwed up something, and Joe left. I think that’s how he got into an accident.”?

Ben couldn’t even bring himself to laugh.

Gwilym’s text messages were sent some time ago, so Ben expected he’d be there in either a minute or two.

The rest of his time was spent in eerie silence, mournfully petting Frankie as she curled up in his lap like a cat, ironically.

After a while came a knock on his front door.

Ah, there he is.

Frankie jumped off of his lap and Ben stood, heading to the door to open it.

“Come in, Gwi—“ Ben was able to say before Gwilym was embracing him tightly. It wasn’t usual for him to do that, but Ben could sense he needed it that very moment. And admittedly, so did he. Ben returned the embrace and buried his face in Gwilym’s chest, exhaling a breath he never knew he was holding in.

Gwilym then put a hand on each of Ben’s shoulders, holding him at a distance. His eyes were too bright for Ben’s liking, and it just showed how much Joe’s death had hurt him too.

“I’m still in denial, if I must admit,” Gwilym said. “But the news wouldn’t lie about that, would it?”

“I’m not sure, Gwil. And honestly... it’s just too much for me to care anymore. If the news is lying, then those pompous wankers can go screw themselves, for all I care. But I don’t think they’re lying. Not now,” Ben replied.

“Would you like to go there?” Gwilym asked, referring to the scene of the accident.

“And be the tragic lover who just didn’t just have the time to say something?” Ben asked, wincing when Gwilym looked at him in utter awe, his jaw dropped. “No.”

“You were going to say it?”

“Say what?” Ben asked, attempting to play dumb. Gwilym was not fooled.

“Come on,” the latter said. “Let’s talk about this, okay? It’s better that way.”

“I dunno if I want to talk about that, mate,” Ben said, but he allowed himself to be dragged to the couch.

And that’s how the two ended up talking, sipping from glasses of wine as they chatted about earlier night’s events.

“So, why was Joe in London in the first place?” Gwilym asked first.  
Ben rubbed at his face with his right hand, the left holding his glass of wine. “Rami asked me that, too. Just didn’t bother to answer him. I had insisted I could go back here by myself, but Joe just... refused. I don’t know why. Stubborn.”

Gwilym did not seem surprised. “Uh-huh.”

“How is he? Rami?” Ben asked. Then he paused for a while. “In fact, how is everyone?”

“Seriously concerned for you. Everyone is.”

“They don’t... know, do they?”

Gwilym gave him a look that plainly told him otherwise. Ben internally swore. Were they really that obvious? No, no, rephrase that. Was he really that obvious? Because Joe... Ben was quite certain he didn’t feel the same. How could he?

“Well bloody hell.”

“What happened?”

“We rode a cab going here then got settled in. Ate some shortbreads and brushed our teeth. He was on the couch, ready to sleep when I called his attention then he opened his eyes and I said it was nothing then he rushed out of the house with his luggage and—and—“

Gwilym placed his and Ben’s wineglasses on the coffee table nearby and placed a hand on Ben’s shoulder. He looked into Ben’s eyes, tears slipping freely, something Ben was doubtlessly not proud of.

“Ben. Breathe. Breathe. Slow breaths, come on now,” Gwilym said, patting Ben’s shoulder lightly. Ben shielded his eyes with a hand, attempting to use deep breaths to calm himself down, but instead had his breaths coming out quickly and harshly, lips trembling.

“I should’ve told him, you know?” Ben said, hand still covering his eyes. “He wouldn’t have left if I told him. If I weren’t such a coward, he’d be here right now.”

“Remember what I told you. Don’t go blaming yourself. Yes, maybe you should have said something, but you had your own reasons, too. It’s not easy confessing to the person you’ve liked for... how long, Ben?”

“Months. It’s been months, Gwil.”

“Just understand this. Joe’s in a better place now.”

“I—I know... it’s just that I miss him so much. So damn much.”

“I know.”

Gwilym allowed a moment of silence to pass between them before Ben was wiping at his eyes, his silent tears now coming to a stop. His breaths were still hitching, however, and his shoulders continued to jump, unbidden, as he took his wineglass from the coffee table and downed all the wine within in one go.

“Woah there,” Gwilym said, eyes widening. He moved the now-empty wineglass from Ben’s lips, and Ben looked at him with an expression indecipherable, eyes red-rimmed and dark.

“Give me another,” Ben commanded. Gwilym wouldn’t budge. He knew this was a bad idea, and an inebriated Ben was never a good thing.

“No,” Gwilym said, and Ben made to grab his wineglass, still half-full. Or half-empty, in his opinion. Gwilym took his glass away and downed the wine in a matter of seconds, forgetting to sip in his haste.

“Gimme another,” Ben insisted again, and Gwilym shook his head.

“No, Ben,” he said.

“Dammit, Lee!” Ben shrieked. “Just give me another!”

Still, Gwilym would not do it. “Sorry, Ben. I won’t.”

Then Ben’s frame was trembling again, tears forming in his eyes once more. “Please, Gwil. Just—I just want to forget.”

“And drinking won’t help you. You know that, Ben.”

“Not even a smoke?”

“Nope.”

Ben sighed and slumped, defeated at last. Gwilym started at his friend with furrowed brows, angry at how, out of all people, it was both Joe and Ben who must go through this tragedy. He felt defeated, himself.  
But he needed to be strong. He needed to be strong for Ben who needed it most.

Keeping the sadness out of his tone, Gwilym said “now, up you get. Let’s bring you upstairs, shall we?” He extended his hand, and Ben took it, allowing himself to be brought up the stairs, his feet dragging themselves as he climbed up.

“You think you can brush your teeth?” Gwilym asked.

“I’m tired, Gwil, not an invalid,” Ben said, teeth gritted. Gwilym merely held his hands up in surrender. Ben sure did feel bad for acting like a jerk especially to Gwilym, but he’s tired, he’s just gone through something heartbreaking, and his whole world’s just changed for him. He feels as if he’s already broken under the great pressure pushing down on him, and he needs a break.

“Sorry, Gwil. I’m not usually like this,” Ben apologises anyway.

“It’s alright, Ben. I understand where you’re coming from,” Gwilym said sincerely. “But really... think you can brush your teeth?”

“I guess I’ll be sticking to mouthwash tonight.”

“Go ahead.”

“You’re not leaving?”

“Will, but only after I’ve made sure you’ve gone to bed. You deserve a rest.”

“Thanks for... everything, Gwil.”

“Anytime, mate.”

After Ben had gargled and changed his clothes in the lavatory, he went into the bedroom and hugged Gwilym again, patting the taller man’s back in appreciation. “Thanks, man,” he said again. Gwilym nodded.

Ben pulled away, and Gwilym said “okay, I think it’s time for me to go. ‘Nite, Ben.”

“‘Nite, Gwil,” Ben said, and Gwilym was off.

He doubted he would sleep well this night, but it didn’t mean he wouldn’t try.

 

***

 

When Ben woke, he was in a cab with Joe beside him. He couldn’t believe his eyes. Joe? Alive? Beside him? It was all too good to be true.

“Joe? What are you doing here?” Ben asked, not at all wishing Joe wasn’t beside him that moment.

“Ben, I was with you on the plane going here,” Joe said. “Did you really think I’d allow you to go alone when I went all the way here to accompany you?”

“Well, no, but... I thought you were dead,” Ben said. “You died in a car accident last night.”

“Nice try, buddy. Are you trying to get back at me for the boat incident?”

“I can’t believe this. I must be dreaming.”

“Yeah, you’re totally trying to get back at me. Come on, Ben, as you told me, it’s not working. And even those pouty lips of yours won’t do the trick,” Joe added, smirking. Ben could not react properly to that, too engrossed in trying to interpret this ‘dream’.

The thing was, it wasn’t. But Ben wouldn’t know that.

“Wow,” Ben said. “I must’ve drank too much last night. But it was just one glass...” he mumbled.

“Okay, Ben, you’re starting to freak me out for real here. We definitely did not drink last night. All we did was stare at the stars on the balcony. Don’t you remember that?” Joe sounded a bit hurt at that, but Ben couldn’t bring himself to mind. “Also,” Joe added. “I never took you for a lightweight.”

“This dream... it’s nice. I know this isn’t real. Later, I’m going to wake up, and it’s all going to be over.”

“Ben. Stop acting. What’s gotten into you?” Joe really sounded worried that moment, and he laughed nervously. “Maybe you should’ve been nominated for an Oscar or something, yourself.”

“I better let it out now. You’ll forget it, anyway.”

“Let what out now? Ben, if this is a prank, it’s gone too far. And what are you saying? I’ll forget wha—“

“Joe, I love you.” Ben interrupted; quite foolishly, in fact.

“What?” Joe said blankly. “Ben, now this is too much. Don’t go saying stuff like that if you don’t mean it.”

“But I really do! Joe—“ Ben tried, attempting to grab Joe’s hands within his own. It resulted in failure and hurt, for Joe commanded the cab driver to stop the car—much to the cab driver’s confusion—and he hurriedly unlocked the door and climbed out stormily.

Now, Joe wasn’t insane. He was well aware of his actions, but he couldn’t care. Not then. He marched away, not even bothering to take his luggage from the trunk of the cab.

“Joe! Joe! What the hell are you doing? Don’t leave!” Ben begged. He then made a move to hurry towards the ginger, but Joe was already far away, leaving for the next cabstand. Ben doubted he had any pounds on him, but in that state, he assumed Joe wouldn’t care at all.  
He noticed the light had turned green, and had no choice but to climb back into the cab, the driver utterly astounded at both their exchange and the actions that followed. He distinctly heard the driver mutter ‘mad blokes’ under his breath, but he was too stuck in his disbelief to care. He tried everything he could to ‘wake’ himself up, but none of it worked.

Ben arrived home not long after, taking both his and Joe’s luggages from the trunk of the cab and paying the driver who sped away as soon as the fee was paid. Ben just shook his head. It was understandable, what the driver did, for he would have done the same were he in his position.

He greeted Frankie hello and opened the telly, not bothering to fix his and Joe’s stuff, and watched the news; nervous. Perhaps this Joe wouldn’t die. Perhaps this dream would spare him.

But it did roll in; the dreaded news. Some time later.

It was somewhat expected, but Ben couldn’t guess how anything was possible. It was as if the night had repeated itself.

No, he thought. I must be going insane.

Ben then went to bed that night with thoughts of only Joe on his mind, grateful he had been given the chance to talk to him even if it had turned out to be a horrible disaster. The dream was nice while it lasted, he pondered, and he closed his eyes, waiting for the morning to come and sweep everything away, just like it always did.

Yet, the night would repeat until the time came it didn’t.


	3. Night Three

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Here goes the third night. Ben has a nightmare, causing a great misfortune to occur.

When Ben woke, he was in the same cab with the same man beside him: Joseph Francis Mazzello III.

 

“What the hell is this?” Ben muttered. He could’ve sworn it was the exact same dream he had the previous night. And he didn’t even wake to see the morning. What the hell was going on?

 

“Ben? You okay?” Joe asked, turning to him, his features scrunched in a look of concern. “Is it jet lag? Déjà vu? What?”

 

Ben placed his fingers against his temples to massage it. Oh, he was getting a headache. “No, no. I’m fine. It just feels as if I’m repeating the same night over and over again.”

 

Joe patted him on the shoulder. “I know how that feels, buddy. Must be boring, huh?”

 

“Not boring,” Ben said his arms extended, bent at the elbow. He shook his hands as he said “it’s confusing.”

 

“Huh, must be like Groundhog Day for you or something.”

 

“Ground—what?” Ben asked, clueless of whatever the heck Joe was talking about. It sounded familiar, but he just couldn’t get a grip on it.

 

“Groundhog Day. You know, that nineties movie?”

 

“Must’ve forgotten about it,” Ben said, taking in deep breaths. He felt odd. He felt as if he wanted to throw up. This was all too much to grasp, and he was desperate for answers.

 

“Okay, so. There’s this weatherman dude who’s supposed to—okay, whatever. Basically, the day just happens all over and over again until he does something that ends that cycle.”

 

“Huh. Sounds like an interesting movie, but is that even possible?” Ben asked, confused by how he was hoping Joe would say ‘yes’. It seemed impossible to him still—nothing but the stuff of fantasy—but he was desperate, and a desperate Ben was an illogical Ben.

 

“Could be, buddy. Could be...”

 

Ben took a deep breath and felt Joe’s heavy gaze on him. It was weighted for a reason he couldn’t guess, but he couldn’t think about that now. All he could think was if it was possible, if that phenomenon could happen even outside the land of imagination and creativity.

 

To test that theory, Ben recalled the events of the first night, asking Joe “enjoyed Catalina, didn’t you?”

 

Joe perked up at that and replied “yeah, sure did.” He smiled. “Especially the boat ride.”

 

This is impossible, the still-rational portion of Ben’s mind told him. But Ben was willing to give in to the irrational part of it all.

 

Yet not too quickly.

 

“We are _not_ talking about the boat ride,” he said. Joe just laughed, obviously recalling how he had practically tricked Ben and pushed him off the boat and remembering how Ben was screaming curses at Joe as he treaded to keep himself afloat. “Yeah, dunno how to feel about that.”

 

Ben took off his blue hoodie, not seeing how Joe watched the very motion.

 

The sad thing was, Joe had turned away and pretended to yawn as soon as he was back in Ben’s sight.

 

“It was _hilarious_ ,” Joe said, and Ben was stunned into silence. So this was really happening. He never thought it possible, but it was happening. “But I guess I still had to feel sorry for it.”

 

What could possibly end _this_ cycle?

 

Ben hummed noncommittally and nodded his head, looking out the window, thinking of what he could do until he felt Joe shift beside him. Joe was leaning on his shoulder, snoring peacefully as he rested, and Ben could not help but card his fingers through Joe’s hair, the ginger strands yielding to his digits. It was a sweet moment, truth be told, and Ben found himself succumbing to lulling pull of sleep, Joe’s somewhat-feminine-smelling perfume adding to slumber’s call.

 

Ben welcomed the darkness.

 

 

***

 

 

Ben and Joe were in Ben’s living room.

 

Joe was seated on the couch while Ben was standing, gazing lovingly at the older man. It was like when he had joined Joe near the drum set, his head resting on his hip. Joe didn’t seem to notice.

 

“You want some wine, Joe? I’ve got some red in the refrigerator, lessened only bit,” Ben said. Joe nodded his head, his smile tired but extremely sweet. It made Ben’s heart clench in his chest.

 

“Sure thing,” Joe said sleepily. Ben chuckled.

 

“You sure?” Ben asked. “You seem like you’re gonna collapse before I enter the kitchen.”

 

“Nah, nah. Just go get us some wine.”

 

Ben brought the entire bottle back to the living room and placed it on the coffee table, sitting beside Joe. The latter’s sleep-mussed hair was entirely endearing to him, but he would tidy it if only Joe asked. After all, Joe’s wish was Ben’s command.

 

Ben poured the two of them a drink, and they toasted, toasting to the wonderful time they had in Catalina.

 

“Sure did make the fans rave, didn’t we?” Joe asked, and for some absurd reason, Ben felt hurt. Is that what all that was about? Was there not anything special behind his intention? Nothing at all but to please the fans?

 

He tried to keep the growing rancour out of his voice. He hid it with a short laugh. “Haha, yeah,” he said, forcing a smile. He stared off into the distance, fighting the urge to clench his jaw.

 

“Anyway, I guess I’ll be returning to New York tomorrow morning,” Joe said blandly.

 

Ben returned his attention to Joe. He was acting oddly. “Tomorrow morning? You must be joking!”

 

“You alright, Ben?” Joe asked. “You sound a little disappointed.”

 

Thinking about it, Ben did. But it wasn’t purely because he didn’t want Joe to leave. Who in their right mind would do that? He asked exactly so.

 

“Well, Ben, I’ve gotta return home sometime,” Joe drawled, as if it was incredibly obvious (it was, sort of).

 

The fight leaving him (only because he didn’t want to argue with Joe), Ben said “fine.”

 

The two spent their time in silence, drinking glasses after more glasses of wine. They didn’t need to say anything to each other, and the air was charged with a strange energy Ben could not identify.

 

Now, neither of them were lightweights, much to Ben’s surprise. Joe could handle his glasses as well as he could, and both of them were well into their second bottle of red and fourth glasses when Ben felt emboldened (unexpectedly) by the silence.

 

“Joe?” he called. Joe turned his head from where it was facing (out the window) and said “yeah?”

 

“I’ve got something to tell you.”

 

“Oh no,” Joe said, eyes widening. It seemed he already knew what Ben was going to say. “Oh no, no, no, no, no. Ben...”

 

“I lo—“

 

Joe raised a hand, interrupting Ben before he could say anything more. This time, Ben clutched his chest, the thin, loose white shirt he was wearing creasing underneath his fingers. “Don’t say it, please,” Joe said.

 

“I’m not drunk. I swear,” Ben said.

 

“I know you aren’t. It’s just... I don’t feel the same way.”

 

“You don’t feel the same way,” Ben said, then buried his face in his hands, utterly mortified. “You don’t... feel the same way.”

 

“I’m sorry.” Joe said, an air of finality in his voice. There was a moment’s pause before he continued. “I... I guess I should leave now.”

 

The couch’s cushion no longer dipped under Joe’s weight and Joe had already placed his wineglass back onto the coffee table. It was there when Ben knew Joe was serious about leaving. “No, no, Joe...” he said, “don’t leave. It’s alright. Really.” He reached out to grab Joe’s hand, but he stopped himself, realising it might be an awkward gesture for Joe.

 

“No, really, I think I gotta go.”

 

“Joe? Joe? Joe, no, please.”

 

But Joe was already grabbing his luggage and opening the door. Ben chased him down as Joe walked onto the road, hearing the sound of a car tire’s screech a second too late.

 

“JOE! NO!”

 

A flash of white, then Ben woke, triggering the event of his own accident. He had barely registered waking before he lost consciousness again due to the strong impact of another car against their cab.

 

 

***

 

 

A weak whisper. “Ben...”

 

Joe? What was happening? Why did the car stop? Were they home yet?

 

“Ben...”

 

It was dark, and Ben could not see anything; could only feel a warm liquid gush from Joe who was beside him. Joe was breathing heavily, his every inhale and exhale sounding like a weak wheeze. A cough, then another gush of wet warmth. The odourous smell of metallic blood wafted through the air.

 

Joe was bleeding. Quickly.

 

“Ben, I don’t want to die.” Joe sounded completely frightened, and that sparked a cold, cold fear within Ben.

 

“Joe, Joe, you’ll be alright,” Ben said, panicking. “You’ll be alright. Just hang on.”

 

“Be—Ben, I...” Joe coughed again. “I d—d—don’t th—think I’ll la—last—last long...”

 

Ben tried to place a hand against Joe’s cheek to reassure him, but once he tried moving his arm, a great pain lanced through him, and he cried out. He swore. He could feel blood trickling down his own cheeks, and he could now register the unbearable hurt that coursed through his body, causing his breathing to grow erratic and his heart to speed its beating.

 

“Joe. Listen. You’re g—going to make it—make it. He—hear me?” Ben said, talking through the pain. “You’re going to make it.”

 

“Ben... I... Ben...” Each word was growing fainter. Joe was dying. Joe was dying just right beside him, and he couldn’t do a single thing about it. Nothing could possibly hurt him more than to see Joe in the scene of the accident; be beside him, totally helpless.

 

“No, J—Joe, no. K—k—keep talking, b—buddy. Keep talking.” Ben said, just as helpless as Joe who was already giving into the darkness of death.

 

“Ben.” It was nothing more than a whisper now. “Ben...”

 

A heavy weight fell onto his lap, and Ben registered it to be Joe. He had collapsed, and Ben dared to reach out to him, going on despite the pain and placing his ear against the back of Joe’s chest, dismayed to feel nor hear no beat coming from within.

 

Joe was dead. Again.

 

A tear slipped from Ben’s eye as he closed both, welcoming the delightful darkness as a thought passed his mind.

 

He had failed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a small note:
> 
> The scene wherein Joe says “I just don’t feel the same way” is nothing but Ben’s nightmare. He was not awake when it happened. Sorry for the confusion, if ever. :(
> 
> -Sophia


	4. Night Four

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ben and Joe share a meaningful conversation for the first time in a few nights.

Ben half expected not to wake up the night next, but he did, and Joe was right beside him, silent.

 

“Enjoyed Catalina, didn’t you?” Ben asked, testing the waters.

 

“Yeah, sure did.” Joe said, and he smiled. “Especially the boat ride.”

 

Okay, so he was given another chance. He could forget about the previous night and pretend it never happened. That he never experienced Joe dying just by his side.

 

He was given another chance, but another chance to do what, exactly?

 

Ben had tried confessing before, but it didn’t work. He doubted it would work this time, and he doubted it would ever work. It just seemed as if Joe did not feel the same way. Just as his nightmare insisted.

 

And that nightmare sparked a fear in Ben. He would never admit it, of course, but it did. It made his blood run cold; made him lose hope. What if it was true? What if Joe truly saw him as nothing but a close friend (if he was lucky to even be called that)? All the more did it compel him to keep silent and treasure what he already had with Joe. Something bad brought about something good, and maybe—just maybe—this was the solution. His answer to this dilemma.

 

He knew he was lucky to have even met Joe. Since the first day of shooting, he had fallen in love with the man’s silly demeanour and chaotic energy. They say opposites attract, and although Ben had believed that at first, he stopped when he finally met Joe, for he could be silly and chaotic too. From the moment Joe gleefully said “hey man, I’m Joe,” and shook his hand did he feel a spark he never felt for anyone else before, and he knew that spark was special.

 

His internal thought parade made him look at Joe tenderly, silently adoring the very blessing who was this man. It made him want to pull Joe close to and tight against him, but he doubted Joe would be comfortable with that, so he kept his hands (or rather, his arms) to himself and smiled ahead.

 

“Hey,” Joe said, a smile evident in his voice. “What’re you thinking about, there?”

 

Ben turned to face him. “Oh. It’s nothing, really.”

 

“Oh?” Joe said somewhat teasingly. He inched closer to Ben and whispered into the blond’s ear “I don’t think it’s nothing.”

 

This is nothing, Ben thought to himself as he bit his lip. It’s nothing but a playful gesture, and nothing more. Don’t overthink it, you bloody idiot.

 

“You’re right,” Ben confessed, and Joe’s eyes flew wide. “It is something. But I’ll only tell you once we’re home. We wouldn’t want anyone else to hear, would we?”

 

“Hmm,” Joe hummed, as if thinking it. “I don’t know, man. I don’t think he’d give a damn...” he said, a bit flirtatiously. Oh, Joe, teasing him again.

 

But that was just Joe, wasn’t it? Always there to tease Ben? Ben enjoyed the attention, but sometimes he wondered why him, out of all people. There were other people he could tease, but he chose Ben. And Ben wanted to know why.

 

“That’s what you think, buddy,” Ben laughed, pushing Joe away coltishly. He noticed how the driver was eyeing them strangely through the mirror. “That’s what you think.”

 

Joe huffed. “Fine. I’ll wait till we get home. But... you won’t mind if I... leaned on your shoulder for a bit, would you?” he asked.

 

“You don’t need to ask, Joe,” Ben said truthfully. “Just go ahead.”

 

“Thanks, Ben.”

 

Ben smiled as Joe got himself more comfortable and leaned his head on Ben’s shoulder, just as he had done three nights ago.

 

I think we’re going to make it tonight, Ben thought to himself. The peace was comforting, but he avoided sleeping, himself, just in case the nightmare would come about again.

 

Little did he know that peace wouldn’t last.

 

_Don’t_ _Stop_ _Me_ _Now_ started playing on the radio and Joe practically jumped from his seat. He started singing along, and Ben just smiled and stared outside as he shook his head. Ah, classic, joyful Joe. Always up for having fun, no matter what time.

 

“Don’t stop me now! I’m having such a good time, I’m having a—Ben, join me, come on!”

 

“I’m fine, mate, go do your thing,” Ben said, chuckling. It felt an awful lot like Joe was dragging him to the dance floor, but he wouldn’t give in. Not too easily.

 

“Don’t stop me now, ‘cause I’m havin’ a good time! Don’t stop me now, yes I’m havin’ a good time—Ben, don’t be like that!”

 

Joe continued to sing until Ben finally joined him at “like an atom bomb, ready to oh, oh, oh, oh, oh explode!”

 

“That’s the thing!”

 

Ben was enjoying himself, although reminding both Joe and himself from time to time to quiet down a bit in order not to startle or disturb the driver. Queen songs continued to play on the radio until they arrived at Ben’s home, laughing their hearts away.

 

This was so far the perfect night, and Ben could not ask for anything more. Perhaps if he didn’t bring it up at all, the night would pass without any problem. Ben counted on it.

 

Ben got their luggages out of the cab’s trunk and opened the door to his house. Joe didn’t appear to forget their conversation in the car because, the moment they were settled down on the couch, Joe said “now, tell me what you were thinking about in the car.”

 

How much I’ve loved you since we first met, Ben wanted to say, but instead he said “Just our time in Catalina.” Joe looked at him expectantly. “Including the boat ride,” he added.

 

“You wanna talk about it? Just to pass the time,” Joe said.

 

Ben was more than willing to talk about it till the night passed, so he began the conversation. “What were your thoughts when we first arrived?” he asked.

 

“Well, I thought it’d be a fun experience; seeing Catalina with you. I wasn’t wrong.” Joe said, shrugging. “I’ve been to that island many times before, but I knew that time would be... special. Especially seeing it with a good pal.”

 

Ben put a hand on his chest, mock-pouting. “Aw, Joe, I’m flattered.”

 

In truth, his heart was leaping in his chest. Joe really thought it would be special... with him? But he said he was only a ‘good pal’. A friend, in other words.

 

Stop overthinking, stupid.

 

“Ben...” Joe said, chiding. He was serious, and that was one thing Ben adored about Joe. The man could definitely be serious when he knows the time is right. He was, just like Frankie, very perceptive, and he knew exactly what to say during various moments. It was very... ‘John Deacon’ of him.

 

“Sorry, sorry,” Ben said, raising his arms in pacification. “But really, I’m glad you thought it would be special.” He smiled.

 

“How ‘bout you?” Joe asked. “What did you think when we first arrived?”

 

That I would finally get the courage to tell you after all these months... but I was wrong.

 

“I thought it would be a meaningful time for both of us. A time where we could get to know each other more. I already knew we knew each other bit; our backgrounds and all that... family, you know... but there, I thought we would be able to understand each other on a different level.”

 

Oh god. Did that sound too intimate? Ben started to regret his words, although everything he said was nothing but unadulterated truth.

 

Joe swore. “Well, my thoughts pale to yours.”

 

“No! They don’t! Swear,” Ben said, and, like a child, drew a cross with his finger atop his heart. “They’re just as substantial as mine.”

 

Joe smiled, though his smile didn’t quite reach his eyes. He was thinking of something—there was no doubt about that—but Ben wondered what he was thinking of; what thoughts were racing through that brilliant mind of his.

 

“What are you thinking of?” Ben asked, his words an echo of Joe’s just moments ago, in the cab.

 

Joe’s smile grew wider, his white teeth flashing in a grin. His hazel eyes twinkled with such pure mirth that Ben’s heart ached. “My favourite moment. In Catalina.”

 

“What was it, then?” Ben asked, genuinely curious.

 

“I’ll tell if you tell,” Joe answered, and Ben knew how precious that moment must’ve been for Joe, to treat it as a valued secret that must be stored away and be revealed only to the people he trusted most. Ben felt fortunate to be one of those people, and though he must hold Joe at a distance, he was almost content with the knowledge that simple statement gave him.

 

He still ached for more, but it was better only he suffer than have them both hurt.

 

“Okay, then... my favourite part of the whole trip... was the time when we were on the balcony.”

 

“Hey!” Joe exclaimed, almost making Ben jump in his seat. “Copycat! That’s my favourite moment, too!”

 

“Really?” Ben asked, not that all surprised, for it truly was a memorable and intimate night shared only by the two of them.

 

No wine, no gin, no beer, nothing at all. Just the two of them and the stars.

 

Ben closed his eyes to recall that night.

 

***

 

“Today was a good day,” Joe said, staring up at the starry, cloudless sky. He then pointed at something above. Ben tried to set his gaze on that direction, seeing a group of stars clustered together. “Oh. There’s Ursa Major.”

 

“Isn’t that the Big Dipper?” Ben asked.

 

“You’re right, it also is the Big Dipper, but the Big Dipper is nothing but an asterism of the constellation Ursa Major,” Joe replied.

 

Ben remembered this from his astronomy class in seventh grade, but he loved to see Joe gush about anything in the world, may it be baseball or astronomy, so he asked “an aster—what?”

 

“Didn’t you pay attention to your seventh grade astronomy class?” Joe asked, shifting in his seat, turning his head to look at Ben. The latter caught his gaze and did his best to look guilty in the dim light. Joe sighed good-naturedly.

 

“An asterism,” Joe said, “is a popular pattern of stars that is not part of the 88 official constellations of the IAU.”

 

“Ah, I see,” Ben said, nodding his head. “You must know a lot about these things.”

 

Joe huffed a laugh. “Hardly. Astronomy has always just... interested me, you know? I never wanted it to be part of my profession, but I guess it’s just everywhere, huh?”

 

“Speaking of which, what would your next movie be all about? If you don’t mind telling me, of course.”

 

“Hmm... not sure yet, but maybe one day, I’ll make a movie about space. And maybe... maybe I’d cast you as the lead.”

 

“And be the hunkiest astronaut to ever have lived?” Ben asked playfully. It didn’t look like Joe appreciated the joke.

 

“No. You’d be the smartest, most compassionate and hardworking scientist to have ever walked the earth,” Joe said earnestly. “Ben... you’re more than just a pretty face, you know that? You’re so much more than that.”

 

Ben’s jaw dropped at that, and he was found completely astonished at Joe’s words.

 

Joe continued. “And anyone who dares say the opposite can just piss off for good.”

 

“Joe... thank you.”

 

“No. Thank you, Ben. For everything. For being my best buddy, the most amazing colleague... just. Everything.”

 

“I could say the same for you.”

 

“This was the best vacay I ever had with anyone, honestly. And although we’ll be well on our separate ways tomorrow... I want you to know this meant so much to me. More than both of us—or anyone in the world, really—would ever know.”

 

“Joe, I—“

 

“Unless.”

 

“Unless what?”

 

“Ben. It wouldn’t bother you if I accompanied you back to London, would it?”

 

“Joe, I think I can do that well on my own. I don’t want to trouble you.”

 

“You won’t. Promise.” Joe drew a cross with his finger on his chest.

 

“Really, Joe.”

 

“And really, Ben.”

 

Ben huffed. “Fine. But no complaining about jet lag or anything. Got it?” he said, frisky.

 

“Yeah, sure. Now, let’s go inside.”

 

And so it was: the two went inside and brushed their teeth in their shared bathroom, arms almost brushing, so close yet not quite.

 

When they had finished, they slipped into their separate beds, and Joe answered text messages on his phone.

 

Mom:

 

<How’s everything, honey?>

 

<Enjoying your time with Ben?>

 

He replied:

 

<Everything’s going pretty well, Mom>

 

<Enjoying everything immensely>

 

Mom:

 

<So when are you bringing him over?>

 

He replied:

 

<Mom!>

 

<It’s not like that>

 

<Not yet>

 

<I don’t know if it’s even possible, actually>

 

Mom:

 

<Well, Joe. Whether he likes you back or not, treasure what you both have. It’s hard to find people like Ben these days, and I hope... I hope everything goes well between the two of you>

 

He replied:

 

<I do treasure it, Mom. I treasure it a lot. Yeah, it’s hard... that’s why I’m so grateful to have met him. I hope everything goes well, too>

 

Mom:

 

<Just talk to me when you need, dear. Have a good night there!>

 

He replied:

 

<Have a nice day, Mom>

 

 

Next was from Rami:

 

<Hey man, how’s it going between you and Ben?>

 

He replied:

 

<Good. Very good. You and Lucy?>

 

Rami:

 

<Extremely well. Hope to propose to her soon>

 

He replied:

 

<It might be too soon for that, man. Don’t want to overwhelm her, right?>

 

Rami:

 

<Of course, of course. I’ll give her time. But back to topic>

 

<When are you going to tell him?>

 

He replied:

 

<I have a feeling... tomorrow night>

 

Rami:

 

<!!!>

 

<Well, good luck, Joe>

 

He replied:

 

<Thanks, Rami>

 

 

And from Gwilym:

 

<You ready to tell him yet?>

 

He replied:

 

<Yeah. I think so>

 

Gwilym:

 

<So when are you going to tell him?>

 

He replied:

 

<Tomorrow night>

 

Gwilym:

 

<Remember, Joe. Just stay calm and tell him everything earnestly. If all things go well, then that’s great. But if not... then remember, you got us to fall onto>

 

He replied:

 

<Yup. Got it>

 

<I’m so tired... better sleep now>

 

Gwilym:

 

<Okay, Joe. Goodnight there>

 

He replied:

 

<Night, Gwil>

 

 

 

Joe shut off his phone and glanced at Ben who was laying down on the blanket. Guy might freeze sometime in the night, Joe thought to himself. Better do something about it.

 

Joe carefully pulled the blanket from under Ben and placed it atop the other man, covering his body till the chin. He stared at the blond for a while, wondering what he must’ve done to be able to have met this man.

 

Well, whatever it was, it must’ve been a very good thing.

 

Ben was murmuring in his sleep. Adorable, Joe thought.

 

He snuck a light kiss on Ben’s forehead, cautious so he may not accidentally wake him. Ben’s murmuring stopped, and Joe went back to bed and shut the light off with a smile on his face.

 

 

***

 

“Mmm... best night of my life,” Ben said.

 

“Same for me,” Joe said, smiling softly. He looked so precious, with his slight scruff. The crinkling sides of his eyes while he smiled. His soft complexion that radiated only a childlike joy.

 

“Ah, come here,” Ben said, and Joe willingly placed his head on Ben’s lap.

 

“I’m... really tired, Ben,” he said.

 

“So am I,” Ben said. “You can sleep now, if you want. I won’t disturb you.”

 

“Won’t you feel uncomfortable.”

 

“Inconsequential.”

 

Joe yawned. It seemed like he wanted to say something, but just couldn’t. And honestly, so did Ben. He still wouldn’t say anything. What if Joe pushes him away? What if he ruins the best thing that’s ever happened in his life? He just won’t allow that to happen.

 

So he remained silent, instead carding his fingers through Joe’s hair just as he did the night before.

 

Maybe this time, Joe wouldn’t leave. Maybe this time, Joe wouldn’t die. He wouldn’t. They’re both safe and sound, and there’s nothing that could ever change that.

 

Ben closed his eyes, waiting for the morning to come.


	5. Night Five

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As it turns out, the cycle hasn’t ended. Ben and Joe share another conversation, and Ben thinks of making a decision that will change their lives for better... or for worse.

Much to Ben’s surprise, he found himself in the cab once again with Joe by his side.

 

He swore loudly, startling Joe and earning himself a rotten look from the driver. “Sorry,” he said, shrinking a bit.

 

“Ben, you alright?” Joe asked.

 

Ben took in a deep breath. “Yeah. Yeah, I’m alright. Just... hit my elbow a bit too roughly,” he lied.

 

“Better be more careful next time, buddy,” Joe said.

 

“Yeah, got it,” Ben said, pretending to rub at his elbow.

 

Okay, what was this? Ben had thought staying silent would do the trick, but as it seems now, it did not. If whatever caused all this chaos didn’t demand his silence, then what did it demand? Joe just doesn’t feel the same way, and that was what Ben was afraid of. He was afraid of telling Joe the truth. He was afraid of being rejected by Joe.

 

He was afraid of letting go of Joe.

 

Anything but that, he begged. Please.

 

“You seem troubled, Ben,” Joe said, his hand encircling Ben’s hoodied bicep in a comforting gesture. “What’s happening? Does it still hurt? Your elbow.”

 

“It’s not the elbow, Joe,” Ben said, unable to lie to Joe this time. He wasn’t sure whether he was willing to explain to Joe everything that was happening, and he most definitely want Joe to think he was mad. Or scare him off by accident.

 

“What is it then?” Joe asked imploringly. “You can tell me, if you won’t feel bothered.”

 

“Maybe when we’re at my place, okay?”

 

“Sure, Ben,” Joe said. “But... do you still want to talk now?”

 

Joe sounded so despondent that Ben was overcome with emotion. “Of course, Joe. Of course.”

 

“What do you want to talk about, then?” Joe asked, sounding hopeful now.

 

“Anything. As long as you want to talk about it,” Ben answered.

 

“Okay then... what did you think about me when we first met?”

 

“I thought you were contrary. You always seemed to radiate this sort of joy when you were around other people. But then you’re really silent when you’re alone. I thought it was... a bit odd, at first. Until, of course, I realised I could be the same.”

 

“Uh-huh, no doubt about that,” Joe teased. Ben pinched his arm as a form of retribution. “Hey!” Joe exclaimed, pouting jokingly.

 

“What about you? What did you think of me?” Ben asked, wanting to know the answer.

 

“I... I don’t know, Ben.”

 

Before Ben could feel the slightest bit disappointed at Joe’s answer, Joe hurried to say “no! It’s not like that. What I meant was that a lot—as in A LOT—of thoughts came across my mind the moment I met you that I’m not even sure what I really thought of you that first day. You were... amazing. You were stunning. You were beautiful and witty. I couldn’t ask for a better colleague.”

 

Ben was stunned into silence. Joe continued, almost rambling in his haste to explain it all. “I wasn’t captivated only by your beauty, Ben. You are handsome, and you know that. But as I said the night before, you’re more than just a pretty face. And that’s what I like about you.”

 

Ben’s heart started to race in his chest. This felt so much like a confession that he almost couldn’t breathe.

 

But that wasn’t what it was, wasn’t it? It’s just Joe telling him what he first thought of Ben when they had met.

 

Now, Ben did not believe in first sight before meeting Joe. He believed it took time for two people to fall in love, but when he had first saw Joe... oh, how different was it for him! It was a strange but welcome sensation, and he fell in love with Joe not because of his looks either, but his personality and wit.

 

It seems they share something in that aspect. He just doubted they shared the same feelings.

 

“You are so talented, as I knew you’d be. And also...” Joe said, then he shied away, as if he were too embarrassed to continue.

 

No.

 

He wanted Joe to be as comfortable as he could ever be with him, so he kept his voice soothing and calm as he said “come on, Joe. You can tell me whatever it is you want.”

 

“Aw, Ben, you really want me to reveal my most damning secret in a cab? A cab, out of all places!”

 

“Well, Joe, you don’t need to tell me if you don’t want, but I really do want to know whatever it is you think. So if y—“

 

“Fine, fine.” Joe said, and Ben noticed how the corners of the ginger’s lips twitched up momentarily. “Here it is.”

 

A pause.

 

“I think...” Joe began, Ben’s eyes fixed on Joe’s bowed head. “You look pretty hot as a woman.”

 

Ben blushed bright, and his brows furrowed. “Joe!”

 

Joe was laughing, belly roiling due to its great intensity.

 

Their exchange earned them a nasty look from the driver, but neither of them could bring themselves to care. All Joe could care about was the aftermath of his giggles and wheezes, and honestly, so did Ben.

 

Despite still being as red as a tomato, he could think only of Joe; be filled with concern for the other man as he practically crumpled.

 

“Joe, you okay? Answer me, buddy,” Ben said.

 

Joe was clutching at his stomach and wiping at the tears in his eyes when he was saying “aw come on, what would you expect? When you’re asked to play an old, crotchety grandma, of course you’d love the adorable school girl! Even if that adorable schoolgirl has extremely large thighs...”

 

“Look, I can’t help it if I have these thighs!”

 

“I know, I know... just kidding you, of course.”

 

Ben sighed and shook his head, smiling wistfully. He wished to share these sorts of moments with Joe forever, but he knew it wasn’t possible. There was just no way.

 

“Joe?” he asked.

 

“Yeah, Ben?” Joe replied.

 

“Can I... lean on you?” Ben asked once more, almost an echo of Joe’s words the night previous. “I dunno if you’ll be comfortable, though, so it’s alright if I can’t.”

 

“Ben, it’s okay. Sure.”

 

And so Ben leaned on Joe’s shoulder, humming along to Good Old-Fashioned Lover Boy on the radio. Joe was humming along with him. It was a calming sound; Joe’s humming, but he wouldn’t fall asleep. Not when his nightmare was out to get him.

 

It was a nice night, all-in-all, but Ben knew it wouldn’t last.

 

***

 

“What do you think of me now?” Ben asked.

 

He and Joe were seated on the couch, drinking from glasses filled with water. They had just arrived home but were too tired to fix themselves, so they decided to talk instead.

 

“I think you’re marvellous. An absolute wonder. Basically the most ideal man I’ve ever met.”

 

“Well, I think you’re ridiculously gorgeous.”

 

“Is that all the great Ben Jones can say?”

 

“Oh, don’t ‘Ben Jones’ me.”

 

“Sorry, sorry.”

 

Ben sighed. “It’s alright.” He bit his lip. “But that’s not all.”

 

Joe leaned closer. It was obvious he was sleepy, judging by the way his eyeswere slowly closing time and time again. “Hmm?” he hummed with the most saccharine smile on his thin, hyacinth lips. He placed his glass on the coffee table with a loud thunk and placed his other hand on the leather of the couch seat’s cushion. “Whadelse?” His words were slurred by his sleepiness.

 

Ben laughed, completely endeared. He itched to pull Joe into his warmth and watch him as he slept, his breaths steady, deep and slow. “You sure you’ll be awake to hear this?”

 

“Yeahhh...”

 

“‘Kay then. Listen to me, Joe. You’re undoubtedly the most lovable man on this earth. Nobody can compare to you ‘cause you’re special. Special, you hear me?”

 

“Mmmmm...”

 

“You’re intelligent, adorable, handsome and precious. I can’t ever let you go.”

 

No response from Joe. His head was now on his thigh, face up to the ceiling, snoring softly. He was asleep, and Ben was grateful, for at least he wouldn’t be awake to hear what he said next.

 

“But I’m afraid... I must.”


	6. Night Six

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ben is settled on his decision. He and Joe share yet another memory through Ben’s phone, and Gwilym guides Ben as the blond worries.

 

 

Ben could not speak the next night.

 

He was adamant he had to let Joe go. That was what this endless cycle was teaching him, wasn’t it? That sometimes, we all have to let even the most precious things in life go?

 

There was a deep-set panic chilling Ben’s bones, and he tried to settle on what to tell Joe. He wouldn’t do it tonight, but he was certain he would do it the next. He had to do it. There was nothing else left for him to do. The previous nights... they’ve been perfect and all, but the repeat told him it just was not meant to be.

 

He was just not meant to be with Joe.

 

Ben swallowed back the lump in his throat and looked outside, itching for a smoke. His fingers twitched at his sides, and he was blinking rapidly, hoping no tears were forming at the corners of his eyes.

 

Well. It would be better to savour this night rather than cry over tomorrow, wouldn’t it?

 

Joe yawned. “Man, I’m tired,” he said.

 

Ben was selfish; he didn’t quite want Joe to sleep yet, especially because it’s the last night he could enjoy with Joe in his company before he ultimately lets him go.

 

“Say, Joe,” Ben said, and Joe turned to face him. “Do you want to view some of the videos we took in Catalina?”

 

“Sure, Ben,” Joe replied. “Whatcha got? I think my phone’s dead. Forgot to charge it last night.”

 

Ben unlocked his phone and went to his photos, scrolling through the different wacky and scenic photos he took at Catalina, laughing at the ones where Joe did silly poses and those he joined in on. He then found a cluster of videos; all taken the same day (and night) and he found the one he was looking for.

 

***

(Ben and Joe’s bedroom, Catalina)

 

“Ben? What’re you doin’ with your phone’n?” Joe asked. It was nighttime, and the stars were shining from outside. Their curtains weren’t drawn, but even their lights were not as bright as the one in their hotel room, thanks to their distance.

 

“Come on, Joe. Wouldn’t want to miss an opportunity to... document this moment, do we?” Ben replied, snickering. The camera was held overhead, and both of them were on the same bed, swathed in the thick, white blanket.

 

“You wan’ doc’men’ me bein’ drunk off m’ass?” Joe asked grumpily. His eyes were closed very tightly, and he was groaning, rubbing his face with a hand, just like he did when they videoed that video.

 

“No, dumbass. God, you’re so grumpy when you’re drunk, y’know that?” Ben sighed. “Anyway, I wanna document you being cute. Just for a memory to cherish forever.”

 

“Th’n why out’f all moments, y’chose this?”

 

“Because... well, you’d look so cute with mussed hair in the morning, and I’d like to remember how it got that way.”

 

“M’hair ain’t mussed.”

 

Ben then messed the ginger’s locks with a hand. It wasn’t that well-kept to begin with, but its messiness escalated a level more with Ben’s action. Joe swore.

 

“Ben! Stop that!”

 

“Aww, is my Joey all angry now?” Ben asked, his tone sweet and mushy. Joefinally opened his eyes to glare at him. But then, contrary to his earlier expression, he buried his face into Ben’s clothed waist, mumbling something Ben couldn’t quite ask.

 

“What’s that—Joe?” He stopped short of saying ‘love’, because that may seem too intimate for Joe.

 

Joe lifted his face and brought his mouth to Ben’s chiseled stomach, blowing a raspberry and causing Ben to swear aloud as he jumped off the bed and laughed.

 

“Joe, you arse!” he exclaimed, clutching at his stomach.

 

“Well, Benny, I’m soooo sorry,” Joe said, exaggerating.

 

“I gotta pay you back for that one, then.”

 

“Wha—“ was all Joe managed to say before Ben was pouncing on him, tickling his ribs and the nape of his neck. His feet. “Mercy! Mercy! Stop!” Joe exclaimed, seeming to surrender. Ben stopped, of course, only to be whacked on the side with a pillow.

 

The two were then engaged in a pillow fight, Ben gripping his phone tightly as he grabbed a pillow and whacked Joe back.

 

The fight went on for a while, and they were both squealing like little girls and not two grown-up men. It was then that Ben finally gave up, tired, saying “white flag! White flag! I yield.”

 

“Y’sure?” Joe asked, his words still slurred.

 

Ben placed the pillow back in its rightful place and said “yes, you silly wanker, now get back here.”

 

Joe then set down his pillow and settled in Ben’s arms, one of his own wrapped around Ben’s waist almost possessively. The other arm was still at Joe’s side; thrown in an awkward position, and Ben sought to make Joe more comfortable so he wouldn’t wake with a sore arm in the morning.

 

“You mean so much to me,” Ben said, almost emboldened to tell Joe the truth due to the latter’s drunkenness. He still refused to say it, because although a drunk Joe is a fun guy (just like he is when he’s sober), he could so easily lose his cool and leave. Ben instead held him at arm’s length and waited for Joe to say anything.

 

“Y’too,” Joe replied, and that made Ben’s heart fluttter in his chest.

 

“Go to sleep now, Joe. We still got a lot of things to do tomorrow, and you’re going to be up with a hangover.”

 

“‘ll look a fright,” Joe despaired.

 

“Now that’s just impossible,” Ben reassured. “Goodnight, Joe.”

 

“‘Night night,” Joe said, yawning, then his breaths eventually slowed.

 

“Goodnight,” Ben said again, and tried to slip away and return to his own bed.

 

“Don‘ leave...” Joe said. “Stay w’me.”

 

Ben chuckled softly. So he wasn’t completely asleep. “Okay, okay. I’ll stay. Move a bit, though... I’m nearly falling off.”

 

Joe huffed. “Fine,” he said, but he moved anyway, and Ben moved along with him.

 

“Now goodnight, for real,” Ben said.

 

“Goodnight,” Joe said. “For real.”

 

Ben ended the video.

 

***

 

(Present time)

 

“That’s officially my favourite video,” Joe said. “Although I still can’t quite believe you legitimately took a video of me while I was drunk.”

 

Ben laughed. “Yeah.”

 

“Though, it did paint quite a pretty picture the next morning,” Joe said, swiping at the screen and revealing the next photo: Ben in a blue hoodie pointing at Joe.

 

“Yeah, sure did.”

 

“I’ll miss you once I go back to New York, you know? How ‘bout you?” Joe asked.

 

Oh, buddy, you have no idea.

 

“Of course I’ll miss you, idiot.” Ben said gently.

 

He itched to say ‘I love you’, but he was afraid Joe would push him away again. That’s exactly what Joe did last time. Who’s to say he won’t do it again?

 

Still, a part of Ben begged for Joe to return those words; say those three words so sincerely he could cry and love him and love him until their lives came to an end.

 

Yet, he knew that would never happen. Maybe in another life, it would.

 

But no point in dwelling on that now.

 

Instead, he allowed Joe to cuddle against him just as he did the first night before all this insanity happened. Love Of My Life played on the radio, and Ben sang along as Joe napped on him, thinking the lyrics reflected his inner turmoil perfectly.

 

“Love of my life, don't leave me.

You've stolen my love, you now desert me.

Love of my life, can't you see?

Bring it back, bring it back,

Don't take it away from me,

Because you don't know

What it means to me.

 

You will remember

When this is blown over,

Everything's all by the way.

When I grow older

I will be there at your side to remind you

How I still love you,

 

I still love you...”

 

In all honesty, Ben wanted to scream. He wanted to tear at his hair, anything that would relieve him of his frustration, but he could do nothing. He was utterly powerless.

 

He decided to message Gwilym.

 

He said first:

 

<Gwil>

 

<Gwilym>

 

Gwilym:

 

<Yeah, Ben? What’s happening?>

 

He replied:

 

<I’m going to tell him. I’m going to tell Joe everything>

 

<But I’m so scared, Gwil>

 

<What if he doesn’t feel the same way? What if he rejects me? What if he leaves?>

 

Gwilym:

 

<Well, Ben... at least you loved him. And if he doesn’t love you back, you gotta realise it’s alright. The thing there is at least you loved him>

 

He replied:

 

<Why?>

 

Gwilym:

 

<Love is a powerful thing. It’s what makes us human. Without it, we are nothing>

 

<Through loving another, we show we are human. We show just how powerful we are, and how much we are capable of giving that gift>

 

<You will receive it no matter what, but it’s more difficult to give it to another, so Ben... you’re lucky. You can give that gift, and you chose to give that gift to Joe>

 

<It’s just up to him whether he wants to receive it or not>

 

<If he doesn’t, well, it’s his loss, not yours>

 

<But, of course, it will take time to fully understand what that means>

 

<Good luck, Ben>

 

He replied:

 

<Thanks, Gwil>

 

<See you soon>

 

Ben put his phone back into his pocket and pondered on Gwilym’s words.

 

He supposed it was true; everything Gwilym said. At least he loved Joe, and perhaps... that was all he needed to admit to himself. If Joe didn’t love him the same way... then at least, no matter how heartbreaking it would be, he’s got that consolation.

 

Love made him powerful in so many ways he couldn’t realise, and he won’t let that information go to waste.

 

He would be ready for tomorrow night.

 

He would be ready to let Joe go.


	7. Night Seven, Day One

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ben makes a confession. Then comes next morning.

Ben steeled himself for what was to come.

 

He was going to tell Joe. All serious, slowly. He wouldn’t rush it. This wasn’t athing you could say lightly, and Ben knew that very well. So far, nothing had been the answer to his dilemma, and if this didn’t work out either, then he would be happy to relive the same night over and over again with Joe by his side. But...

 

Who wants to live forever, right?

 

He doubted he would ever get tired of Joe’s presence... no, that was just impossible. And if all else fails, then at least he could call Joe his even if he really wasn’t.

 

“You seem preoccupied there,” Joe said, interrupting Ben’s train of thought. Ben hurried to face Joe, sweet, handsome Joe, who was smiling at him, seemingly thoughtful himself. “You wanna talk about it?”

 

“Maybe later, Joe,” Ben replied.

 

“‘Kay then. But always remember you can tell me anything and I won’t judge. I’m always all ears for you.”

 

_Hopefully._

 

“Thanks, Joe.”

 

They spent the entire trip in silence, Joe leaning on Ben, his head rested on the blond’s shoulder. Ben could not find the ride peaceful, for his mind was troubled, and he could not help but bite his lip nervously.

 

The time will come, and he’ll let Joe go.

 

He had to.

 

***

 

When they arrived home, Ben’s heart was a hummingbird’s quivering wing. He had never been as nervous in his whole life, but it was reasonable. He would be letting go of one of the most significant people in his life. He would be letting go of the love of his life.

 

Joe was seated down on the couch, eyes closed as if in prayer. Their luggages were near the staircase, and Ben took one last good look at the other man before saying “Joe.”

 

Joe’s eyes opened a fraction, and he gazed at Ben questioningly. “Yeah, Ben? What’s going on?”

 

“I... I need to tell you something.”

 

“As I said earlier, I’m always gonna be all ears for you, Ben.” Joe said earnestly, and his sincerity turned Ben’s heart into a block of solid stone.

 

“The thing is, I don’t think you’ll be after you hear this.”

 

Joe looked affronted. “And what makes you say that?”

 

Ben approached the ginger and sat down beside him on the couch. He looked into Joe’s eyes, not bothering to hide the glistening wetness of his. Joe seemed panicked at that, as if he thought he had done Ben wrong, but Ben could only profess how much of an opposite he had done.

 

“You just... won’t,” Ben said.

 

“Try me,” Joe said, voice strong. “Try me.”

 

Ben took Joe’s hands, and Joe looked down at them, joined. He was glancing quickly at their hands, then at Ben’s eyes then their hands again, and his lip was trembling. Ben was growing more fearful as moments passed. This was it. He was scaring Joe. Joe wouldn’t accept him.

 

“Joe... I love you,” Ben said as soon as Joe’s eyes settled on him.

 

“What?” Joe asked numbly.

 

Everything seemed to stop around them, and time seemed to suspend. Ben took this opportunity to say it all. He did not blurt it out, but he took his time just to show Joe just how sincere he was. And it wasn’t just for show, either.

 

“I meant every word I said. You’re intelligent, adorable, handsome, witty, just perfect. Every night I’ve spent with you was a temporary paradise, and our time at Catalina... was practically the closest I could get to living a life with you. At first, I didn’t know what to expect because... even though I’ve done that with some mates before, you’ve always been different.”

 

“Different,” Joe said, eyes still as wide as saucers.

 

“Not in a bad way! I mean, you were always so special. You’re playful, but you’re serious when you need to be. You’re perceptive, and god knows how much of a wonder that is. You always amuse me. I couldn’t understand why you were still alone, and I was hoping—maybe quite foolishly—that the person you would choose to be with was... me.”

 

“Ben...”

 

“And I understand if you don’t want it. I understand if it’s all just an unattainable dream. An imagination or fantasy of mine. It’s your choice. It’s always been your choice, and if you don’t choose me, well, I’m not going to say it’s fine, but I understand. So Joe. If you don’t want anything to do with me anymore, I... I’ll accept that, but please... please never forget about me.”

 

Joe pulled his hands away and looked to the side.

 

“Ben, I... Ben,” he said, voice quaking.

 

“Oh, Joe. Joe, no... J—“

 

The next thing Ben registered was Joe’s hands on his cheeks and his lips on his own. Joe was kissing him, and quite fervently. This time, it was certain all time stopped, and if this wasn’t going to end the cycle, then Ben was content with reliving the same night saying the same words over and over again.

 

“You want this?” Joe asked, unsure. “You want me?”

 

“Yes,” Ben whispered, unable to say anything else. For all his words a while ago, he fell completely silent then. “Yes, I want this. I want you. Nobody else. Only you.”

 

Joe kissed Ben again, and this time, Ben returned it.

 

“I want you too,” Joe said, and Ben could almost be surprised by the admission. “I’ve wanted you for a long time.”

 

“Since when?” Ben asked, caressing Joe’s right cheek with his fingers. Joe leaned into the touch.

 

“Since we first met.”

 

Oh, they were both idiots. They’ve been blind the whole time, and if only they would talk more honestly with one another, this wouldn’t have happened in the first place. It would have been better.

 

But now was nice.

 

“We should’ve talked about this,” Ben said.

 

“I know,” said Joe.

 

“You wanna go upstairs?” Ben asked. Joe blushed hot, his face turning red as a tomato, and Ben realised what his words could’ve meant. “Oh no, it’s not like that, Joe. We’re just going to lie down on the bed and talk. Nothing that serious yet.”

 

Joe buried his face in Ben’s chest, nuzzling it. “You sure your bed’s good for two?”

 

“Sure am.”

 

“Let’s go, then.”

 

Joe pulled back, and Ben stood, extending his hand towards Joe. Joe took it with a smile, and they proceeded upstairs.

 

Joe collapsed onto the bed with a groan, and Ben laughed gently. He fell beside Joe, and they kissed once more, Joe’s hands coming to rest on Ben’s chest.

 

“I wish it didn’t have to take this long,” Joe said.

 

“Me, too. But we’re both bloody idiots. We couldn’t possibly have known. At least we got each other now, and that’s alright.”

 

“That’s true,” Joe said, leaning closer to nuzzle Ben’s nose in an Eskimo kiss.

 

Ben loved Joe. And Joe loved Ben.

 

It was all too good to be true.

 

“This isn’t just a dream, is it?” Ben asked, suddenly afraid.

 

“It’s not. We have this. We have this, Ben,” Joe reassured, although he sounded quite uncertain himself. “Although... if this is a dream, I wouldn’t want to wake up either. It’s a damn good dream, and I don’t want it to end.”

 

A pause.

 

“Although, Ben?”

 

“What is it, love?” Bean said, finally unafraid to call him by that endearment.

 

“Why decide to tell me now?”

 

“Well,” Ben said, shifting to rest his head on his tattooed arm. “If I told you something that would make me seem like a complete nutter, would you believe me?”

 

“You know I would,” Joe answered softly. “And what’s surprising is that I’m not terrified at all.”

 

Something in Ben’s eyes softened at the ginger’s statement, and he wrapped an arm around Joe, showing just how much he is cherished. He whispered into Joe’s ear “I’ve been through the same night for seven times, and although you were unreachable, I never lost hope. I always thought that someday, we could be happy together... even if I knew at some point, I had to let you go.”

 

“I’ll never let you go, Ben. I promise you that.”

 

“And I’ll say the same thing to you. Joe... you just mean too much to me. I can’t live without you.”

 

“And does that scare you?” Joe asked.

 

Ben tightened his hold on Joe and laid a gentle kiss on his forehead. He just couldn’t get enough, and so did Joe. “Not a single bit.”

 

“Ben...”

 

“Yeah?”

 

“As much as I’d love to continue talking, I don’t think I can keep my eyes open any longer.”

 

A part of Ben still feared waking up to the same night again, but Joe’s arms wrapped around him and his legs tangled with Ben’s own assuaged that fear. If he was going to wake to the same night tomorrow, then so be it.

 

He would gladly repeat this night until the end of time.

 

***

 

Ben woke to the sight of the morning sun peeking through the window. He also woke to the sight of Joe staring at him lovingly, his head rested on one hand. Ben did his best to hide his bursting joy, but a smile appeared on his face anyway.

 

Joe poked him on the nose. “Good morning, sleepyhead,” he said.

 

Ben kissed him, Joe’s thin lips yielding to his full ones. “‘Morning, sweetheart.”

 

Joe blushed at the endearment. Ben picked up his phone from his bedside table and told Joe “smile for the camera.”

 

Though, Joe didn’t smile. He kissed Ben on the cheek, and Ben’s smile grew wider as he took the photo and made it his phone’s wallpaper.

 

“I love you, Joe,” Ben said, unable to help it.

 

“I love you too, Ben,” Joe replied, and judging by the way he leaned in to kiss him again, it seemed he couldn’t help it either.

 

Ben got an idea from out of the blue.

 

“You think Gwil would want to hear about this?” Ben asked.

 

“Oh, Ben...” Joe said. “ _Everyone_ would want to hear about this.”

 

***END***


End file.
